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Not A Review of Titanic 3D

Not A Review of Titanic 3D

Thankfully we are almost out of the water on this recent Titanic revival. Apparently it’s the 100th anniversary of that terrible tragedy and only fifteen years since the other terrible tragedy, the death of James Cameron. I thought we had already gone too far and then I saw people in turn of the century garb overlooking Southampton in a reenactment of the viewing of the empty sea. I then turned on the local news and I saw James Cameron in a submarine diving deeper than anyone had ever dove only to discover nothing was there. A greater metaphor for this entire episode may not exist. Just when I thought things couldn’t get more surreal it was pointed out again, on the local TV news that renowned astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson told James Cameron that the sky “was wrong.” Apparently the wrong star chart was used so Cameron was like no prob and they re-did it so the stars were accurate.

When something is made as earnestly and with as much attention to detail as Titanic the movie and it’s so overtly dramatic in a not good way, and everyone loves it, I find that I need a release. In 1997 I saw this movie twice for no other reason then no one would see anything else. This had happened once before in 1989 when I was forced to watch The Little Mermaid three times. Just when I thought I would lose my mind something miraculous happened before the third viewing. During a trailer I saw the silhouette of a metallic helmet and I heard a broken voice-over with a Japanese accent. The helmet belonged to Shredder, the voice Splinter, and every prepubescent boy in that theater got to their feet with fists clenched towards the sky and proclaimed: Yes! High fives were thrown to complete strangers. It was our time. The parents groaned. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was coming to the big screen.

But for fans of James Cameron, our release really didn’t arrive until Avatar in 2009. While I liked the movie, it was really very similar in concept to what The Abyss was, particularly in the special edition DVD, which I think vastly improved an already great movie. In that version, we saw a truly global visage of Cold War insanity that played well with the internal struggle going on in those deep waters over the detonation of a nuclear warhead against an alien lifeform. Also some of the effects were improved, of course. This version of The Abyss felt like the one we should have had from the beginning. The new star chart in Titanic doesn’t seem as impressive. I can’t comment on the extended Avatar since I refuse to buy it after the original bluray was released without special features in a deliberate attempt to capitalize on an extended version that came out a couple months later. I learned my lesson. Plus Avatar was more overt in it’s message and lacked the subtlety of The Abyss, which was easily a better romance movie than Titanic. Thank you Ed Harris and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio. You owned.

So what I’m getting at is that for the average Jason Statham flick loving dude we really haven’t been effectively cleansed of Titanic. I had a vision some years ago that may provide a way. When Eeon and I were in college, we watched many bad movies and ate bad food. On one such night after eating campus Chinese (not recommended) I transcended reality into a dreamscape as I slept. In my dream I was down and out like in reality, when James Cameron called me on the phone. He had a job for me that he said only I could do. I had to get to Los Angeles. So I flew in what felt like real time, my head reeling with the possibilities. I mean it was Cameron, maker of The Terminator, Aliens, T2, and The Abyss. His work occupied a full shelf in my room. Not because it filled the shelf, rather I didn’t want other things defiling greatness.

I landed in L.A. I was rushed to the movie studio. Cameron met me in a parking lot. I remember being very thirsty, like I hadn’t had a drink in the seven hours that had transpired since he called. But he told me there was no time, everyone was waiting. Who? I was rushed to a room full of suits. They were executives and they were skeptical. I took my seat. Cameron stood and began his presentation. It went something like this: “We have the script, we have the actors, we have the money. Now we need the vision to see this through.” In my mind I was like oh snap Cameron is dropping knowledge on these fools…and then he looked towards me. Wait. I’m the visionary director? I will get to be like Ridley Scott directing Blade Runner? He was joking. Then he said “I’m not joking.” Cameron was reading my mind. What could it be? Was it Terminator 3 or maybe even something more awesome no one knew about? “Only you can do this Pete. If you’re not in, this movie can not be made. It will be dead.” Well what is it I asked finally after the suspense nearly crushed me. “It’s Titanic 2: Dolphin Quest.” The executives’ faces dropped. I looked around the room. No one was feeling it so I said the only thing I could and it was what I truly believed with all my heart in that moment and forever: “I got this.”

Applause erupted. People were high-fiving. Cameron shook me by the shoulders and said “I knew you could do it kid.” I felt like Luke Skywalker being congratulated by Han Solo for destroying the Death Star and I hadn’t even done anything yet. What proceeded after that was the making of the most epic space opera ever attempted where the Titanic in a plot not unsimilar to Space Battleship Yamato is raised and converted into the lone space ship that is sent to find the savior of Earth, Ultradolphin who is disillusioned and wandering space alone. The Titanic brings him back, they slay the foes together with an 80’s metal soundtrack replete with two-hand-tap guitar solos at any moment possible. Earth is saved. Titanic 2 is an even bigger success than the first one. It might be a bigger sequel adjusted for inflation than Terminator 2: Judgement Day. We’ll never know. It was never made. All we got is Titanic 3D with some new stars when we could have had this.




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  1. Libby says
    2012/04/27, 08:57

    Every time I hear someone talk about Titanic, first I think of you telling Eeon and I this story over bubble tea at the teahouse off St. Marks, and just laughing so hard that I can’t breathe and my stomach hurts. This might be my favorite of your many college tales.

    My second reaction is to then think of Mike Nelson saying “Ty Tanic, Tyrone Tanic” from the MST3K Oscar special way back when. Happy days.

    I, for one, cannot wait until Titanic II: Dolphin Quest comes out. Does one need to see Titanic to fully enjoy Titanic II: Dolphin Quest? Because I made a promise to my ex never to see Titanic (we wanted to stand in solidarity to Star Wars as the highest-grossing film of all time, a concept that in retrospective seems quaint and dated) and I sort of like that it’s the one promise to him that I’ve kept long after I gave him back his ring.

    • Pete says
      2012/04/27, 18:31

      You don’t have to see Titanic to enjoy Titanic 2: Dolphin Quest as the only returning character is the Titanic and it didn’t do much in the first one besides break in half and sink like a rock. The sequel is about redemption in every way possible.

  2. EEon says
    2012/04/27, 10:24

    Black Power Space Unicorn.

    • Pete says
      2012/04/27, 18:33

      That came later, and was created by Duff Master. All credit goes to him for that stroke of genius.

  3. ta0paipai says
    2012/04/27, 21:22

    I think Black Power Space Unicorn would best be realized in a Japanese doujin bullet hell game. BPSU’s ally is a space whale, that would be best described as a combination of Mody Dick and Captain Ahab combined. From that mentor/ally he learns the technique- “BLACK HOLE NEXUS RAY!!!”

    As for Titanic- I have yet to see the disaster. A textbook I’m using this year features it. But since I have yet to watch any Back to the Future (unit 1), I hope I won’t watch any Titanic (unit 2). Why Mrs. Doubtfire (unit 2 of last year’s textbook) was replaced by Titanic, we’ll never know- Robin Williams throwing fruit at Pierce Brosnan is hard to top.

    • Pete says
      2012/04/28, 16:26

      “It was a run-by fruiting!”

  4. Libby says
    2012/04/28, 08:07

    You’ve never seen Back to the Future?!? That’s such a shame–it’s the superior 80’s trilogy in every way possible, but only because they didn’t make a Who Framed Roger Rabbit trilogy.

    • Pete says
      2012/04/28, 16:35

      Does Back To The Future 3 count as an 80’s movie because it came out in 1990. Indiana Jones might win by default unless there is another 80’s trilogy. Only the Toxic Avenger comes to mind.

  5. Libby says
    2012/04/29, 15:02

    It still counts, because they filmed it alongside BttF pt.2 in 1989.

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